The Pyramid

24 Comments

Some films have to be seen to be believed; I first saw Grégory Levasseur's found-footage horror during the onset of delirium during the latter stages of a long-haul flight, and soon dismissed it as a fever dream cause by too many pretzels and nuts. But no, The Pyramid is real, an incredibly tatty variation on several clapped out themes that makes competing films like As Above So Below look classy in comparison.

The setting is Egypt, where a mysterious three-sided pyramid has been unearthed. Mr Miles Holden (Dennis O’Hare) and his daughter Nora (Ashley Hinshaw) are on the scene, and their team launches a drone inside that quickly becomes stuck inside the structure. Aided by primo gonk lad Fitzie (James Buckley from The Inbetweeners), their team enter the pyramid, and when a floor gives way beneath them, they have to fight their way out, matched against Anubis, Osiris and various skeletal cat-monsters who don't take kindly to having their inner sanctum desecrated. Ancient pussy-cats hardly make for an impressive foe, but even Anubis and Osisis seems to be fairly subdued here, generally just pulling the chains of their captives before eventually jumping out to rip their hearts up and weigh their body-parts on scales as per ye olde hieroglyphics.

There's plenty of interesting elements in Egyptian lore that would make for an excellent horror movie, and there's a long tradition of morality tales about explorers who get what they deserve when up against such ancient supernatural foes. But The Pyramid is as stuck in the catacombs as the characters are, with poor visuals that leave the audience as confused as the Holdens as to what's going on. And while Fitzie is meant to be a proxy for an audience who just want to know what's going on, his constant complaint about the other characters trying to decipher the pyramids mystery fall flat; why wouldn't they try to understand what's captured them so abruptly?

The Pyramid is one of the least impressive movies imaginable; largely shot in murk, it's tiresome, shrill, and a long slow build-up to a few CGI monsters that look like they’re on vacation from a PS2 game. Sure, The Blair Witch Project didn't feature lavish production values, but it did offer a certain po-faced anxiety and a drear atmosphere. The Pyramid provokes merriment when it should be provoking scares; it's a dismal excuse of a movie that confirms the final mummification of the found footage genre.

anubisdennis o'hareegyptfilmfound footageGrégory Levasseurhorrorjames buckleymonstersmovieosirisreviewthe pyramid

Have I told you yet why I don't watch found footage films? The first one I ever saw was The Blair Witch Project – saw it in the theater, and threw up in a trash can afterward. Not from fear – the jumpy camera gave me motion sickness.

This film will not be the exception to my rule!

You are excused for sure. But I will need something in writing from a parent, guardian or Blinker.

I missed hearing about this. I watched the trailer just now. I didn't miss a thing.

Is the correct answer!

"The Pyramid is one of the least impressive movies imaginable." Why do I find this comment so delightfully withering?

Glad to wither at this film. It's just people shouting in the dark for 90 mins. I try not to look at my phone, but this movie had me downloading apps and updating my operating system. Deadly dull, so glad if I can salvage a laugh!

You know, my life was ok without knowing this movie existed. But knowing of its existence hasn't changed my life one whit either. So I’d say it's a complete flop anyway you look at it.

and I applaud your own efforts to add to the genre with that "Edinburgh" post over on Masters of Ironing. Some people might even be taken in enough to think it was real. I guess your skill is increasing….

Shh….the first rule of the secret forum….and it's all real. Who would pretend that this was the case when it is not?

Me. No, wait, I mean you.

I’m confused now. My Mathz has let me down…

The material on Masters of Ironing is highly confidential. Not for the eyes of ordinary people. State secrets.

Ok, I have to state a secret? Well, here's one.Protein bars are gross….

I don't really drink.

You don't say?You never did strike me as the kind of guy to belly up to the counter and say "hit me with some of Bessie's freshest"….

Used too. But life is intoxicating enough. No need for a fishing carafe of beer from Mrs Miggins pie shop.

I was thinking of a carafe of milk, but I guess your example works too.

Too much found-footage and that was very much the case after the original found-footage phenom.

And most of these films look too awful to get a second chance…

Well I’ll pass obviously, don't watch good horrors let alone this kind of bilge.

Is the correct answer.

Yep.

Somehow missed this. And I’ll keep on missing it. I mean, I couldn't even be bothered to watch the trailer. Think found-footage is pretty much played out now isn't it? Can't remember the last big one to come out.

vacation from

If you can't even be bothered watching the trailer, then I can't be bothered responding to your comment. It's a war of attrition and I think we both know how it’ll end. With giant cat monsters ripping out our hearts.

Well, I did make it to the end of the review.

Now, what were you doing getting dressed up as a fox and hanging out at Tynemouth Market? Hm?

That's my own business. I’ll give you a clue. Chaos rules!

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